A Tale of Two Ribbons
by MoonlitMeow
Summary: Lucius pays a visit to his most reliable friend, Severus. Well, he's the only one who would understand, right?
1. Default Chapter

A Tale of Two Ribbons  
  
I'm not much of a Draco/Hermione shipper, but whatever.  
  
disclaimer: Harry Potter (Pottah according to Snapie, Draco and everyone who can't pronounce his poor last name) and his friends/enemies/lovers do NOT belong to me. They are owned by the fantabulous J.K. Rowling. MasterCard and the Bombay furniture store don't belong to me either.  
  
~*~  
  
In this typical suburban mall in America, not many strange things happened. Nor did you see any strange people It just didn't happen. One rainy Saturday, things were about to change.  
  
In a somewhat crowded Bombay furniture store, two supposed foreigners pushed their way through the sea of people.  
  
"Damnit! You picked a sale day to come to this blasted store! Look, I'm sorry for whatever I have done, but this is pure torture," said a young blonde wizard, accompanied by his bushy haired girlfriend.  
  
"Honey, you know well enough that we need a new bed. Now stop bickering and come along with me."  
  
Grudingly, the blonde named Draco, followed his unperturbed girlfriend.  
  
Suddenly, she squealed as she stopped in front of a four-poster mahogany bed.  
  
"Oh, isn't this lovely?! What do you think?"  
  
"Hermione, it's all up to you. Just please pick something quickly!"  
  
"I know a way we can make this fun for both of us."  
  
She then reached into his pockets, feeling around for what she was looking for. His wand, some lint, a few Galleons.Yes, there it was-a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.  
  
"Oh, I thought you meant these." Draco then reached into his other pocket, pulling out two black silk ribbons.  
  
"Erm, Draco, where did you get these?"  
  
He smirked. "Where do you think? Father gave them to me. He didn't use them to tie his hair up only, you know."  
  
"My, my, isn't he a bit of a masochist?"  
  
"A little pain never hurt, now has it?"  
  
With a slightly wicked glint in her eyes, she took the ribbons from him. "You know, these look like they need to be broken in. Shall we?"  
  
He only managed to reply with a growl, whilst pulling her onto the bed.  
  
They ignored the stares and odd looks from strangers as he tied her wrist to the wooden posts with the ribbons. After he had readjusted them, he looked up.  
  
"Okay, 'Mione, try pulling yourself away from the posts. I need to see how sturdy they are."  
  
She tried, but they still stayed in place. "Oh yes, they sure are sturdy."  
  
He then untied her, and they finally decided to get the bed. Mostly because he didn't want to hear her bitch about it anymore. They passed by the many amused and disgusted faces of the onlookers up to the counter.  
  
"Uh...will this be all for today?" asked the cashier.  
  
"Yes, I believe so," replied Hermione.  
  
"How will you pay for this? Credit, debit, cash, check?"  
  
"Credit."  
  
Draco handed the card over as Hermione smoothed down her mussed hair.  
  
"Sir, this is a MasochistCard."  
  
"Yes, some things in life are painless, for everything else, there's MasochistCard, proud sponsor of all things in the wonderful world of sadomasochism."  
  
*Review if you want to. I know it sucked. 


	2. Where are my ribbons?

Chapter 2: Where are my ribbons?  
  
disclaimer: Harry Potter (Pottah, according to Snapey, Draco and everyone who can't pronounce his poor last name) and his friends/enemies/lovers do NOT belong to me. They are owned by the fantabulous J.K. Rowling.  
  
Author's note: Thanks to all those lovely people who took the time to review...I came up with a really interesting little idea today...I hope you like!  
  
~*~  
  
Meanwhile...in Malfoy Manor...  
  
An angry Lucius Malfoy stormed through the dismal halls of Malfoy Manor, searching in vain for his beloved black silk ribbons. His long platinum blonde hair dishevelled, snake cane carelessly thrown at an unfortunate house elf in anger. Now was not the time to even entertain the idea of bothering Lucius...he was already in a right state.  
  
"Lucius, why are you making such a fuss...over ribbons?" asked Narcissa, as she watched the scene, slightly amused.  
  
He swooped down on her, a mad glint in his eyes. "My dear, they are not just ribbons! They are my ribbons! My trademark black ribbons with which I wear to tie back my luscious blonde hair!"  
  
At this, Narcissa rolled her eyes. 'Honestly, Lucius could be so conceited at times. It's things like these that make me wonder why I wished he would get in touch with his feminine side... I didn't mean for him to get in touch with it THIS much,' she thought.  
  
"When I find the imbecile who had the audacity to even touch my precious ribbons, I will make them beg for me to Avada their pathetic asses after I'm done with them," he said to a random portrait, who began wondering what happened to the prestige of the Malfoy line.  
  
A few minutes later...  
  
"Oh Narcissa, where could they be?" sobbed Lucius. "I've searched everywhere; well no, I had the house elves do most of the searching. Still, they're no where to be found!"  
  
Narcissa rubbed his shoulders as he cried over his lost ribbons. "Come on, Lucius. We can always get some more. I know of a wonderful little place in Hogsmeade that has a wide variety of accessories that-"  
  
"How dare you!" shouted an indignant Lucius. "Do you not understand the significance of these ribbons? My father gave them to me when I turned 21, just like his father did, and just like my ancestors have done for ages!"  
  
As he continued to cry, Narcissa suddenly remembered something.  
  
"Lucius... I believe I know where your ribbons are."  
  
"Oh, please tell me! I can't go on without them!"  
  
"Think, Lucius. Exactly a week ago, it was Draco's 21st birthday."  
  
"What are you getting at? Were you involved in some sort of evil plot with that brat?"  
  
"Don't you dare, Lucius. What I'm trying to say is that you gave them to him, as a gift. You told him that it was a tradition, did you not?"  
  
Looking relieved, he sunk back into his chair.  
  
"Merlin's beard! I can't believe I forgot..."  
  
"It's perfectly fine, Lucius. We all do sometimes. Now, come on," she said, handing him a Slytherin green ribbon from his prized collection, "let's go to that shop in Hogsmeade. I'm absolutely positive that you will find some just like that old pair."  
  
"Fine... but nothing can replace my old ones," Lucius sighed dejectedly.  
  
"Oh, do be quiet, Lucius."  
  
He couldn't muster up a glare, but settled with a sad look. She patted his back affectionately.  
  
~*~  
  
How was it? I personally liked this chapter, just because Lucius can be pretty funny. Anyway, review if you wish. 


	3. Are you swinging that way, Lucius?

Are you...swinging that way, Lucius?  
  
Lucius pays a visit to his most reliable friend, Severus. Well, he's the only one who would understand, right?  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter (Pottah, according to Snapey, Draco and everyone who can't pronounce his poor last name) and his friends/enemies/lovers do NOT belong to me. They are owned by the fantabulous J.K. Rowling.  
  
~*~  
  
The shopping trip to Hogsmeade proved enjoyable, and Lucius found a very nice pair of ribbons. They looked exactly like his favorite pair, but they were just not the same. He still felt some anger toward Draco, for the simple fact that he was born, and therefore, Lucius had to give up his precious ribbons. As Narcissa walked out of the Three Broomsticks, he was suddenly struck with an idea.  
  
"Narcissa, would you mind if I spent some more time here? I'll Apparate home in about an hour or so."  
  
She looked at him, suspicious of his plans. "Well... I suppose not. Do try to be home before eight, though. Draco and Hermione are coming over. They have an announcement to make or something of the sort."  
  
"I still can't believe you approve of that ribbon stealing bastard fornicating with that... mudblood."  
  
"Lucius, he did not steal your ribbons. And how do you know that they are having premarital relations?"  
  
"Oh, don't be so dim, Narcissa. Have you seen the way they look at each other? It's simply disgusting. And I also remember how it is at that age. We Malfoy men can't help being so damn irresistable."  
  
She tried to suppress her laughter as Lucius stopped to look at his reflection, spending a good five minutes adjusting his new ribbons in his silky platinum blonde hair.  
  
"Er, Lucius... I think I'll be going now. I need to get the house elves to start preparing."  
  
"Yes, yes. I'll see you later, then."  
  
With a pop, Narcissa Disapparated, waking Lucius from his self obsessed reverie.  
  
"Oh well," he sighed. "I guess I should go now."  
  
He flipped his hair back as he started walking in the direction of Hogwarts, his snake cane faithfully at his side.  
  
Meanwhile... at Hogwarts... specifically in the Potions classroom...  
  
Severus Snape sat in front of a cauldron, slowly stirring some random potion. He was surrounded by various bottles, all of them nearly empty. There was a very content look plastered across his face, due to the fact that today was a Saturday, which meant he didn't have to deal with the incessant stupidity of the dunderheads he had to teach. And the fact that Voldemort no longer existed certainly brightened his mood. Yes, Harry was still alive, but you can't have everything.  
  
A knock at his door suddenly shattered the peaceful silence.  
  
He slowly made his way to the door, wand pulled out, just in case. As the door opened, he found a very disturbing sight. Lucius was standing there, twirling a lock of his hair around.  
  
"Severus! How are you?"  
  
"Er... I was just making a potion."  
  
"How boring. You should really get out sometime."  
  
"I'm flattered that you care so much about my social life, Lucius. Now, why are you here?"  
  
"Well...you see, I'm going through a bit of a crisis."  
  
"Oh, I see," said Severus, looking very bored. "And what makes you think that I would care?"  
  
Lucius then launched into a long tirade about ribbons, and other such things, as Severus desperately tried to remember where he kept his most potent poisons.  
  
"...and that's why I think that silk is much more preferable than satin."  
  
"Lucius...you're not swinging that way, are you?"  
  
"Oh, goodness no, Severus. How could I be? I mean, I'm still with Narcissa, aren't I? And I obviously couldn't do something like that if I was still with her."  
  
"Well, she is quite dim. After all, she is from the 'noble and most ancient house of Black' ...noble and ancient my arse."  
  
"I think it's about time you get over your rivalry with Sirius Black. He has been dead for quite a while now."  
  
He chose to ignore this statement, and returned to stirring his potion, his greasy black hair covering most of his face.  
  
"Speaking of a long time, when was the last time you washed your hair?"  
  
Severus replied with a glare, but that didn't stop Lucius.  
  
"I know of a wonderful shampoo that will just wash away the years, and make those lovely locks shiny."  
  
"You know what, Lucius," he said, a scary smile playing on his lips. "I've got an idea. Why don't you try some of this in that...lovely hair of yours."  
  
He thrust a bottle of *Snape's Hair Grease*-get greasy locks from your crown to your nape! into his hands.  
  
"No thanks, Severus. I like my hair the way it is. Although I never knew you had your own line of hair products. Never thought you'd follow in the footsteps of Gilderoy Lockhart."  
  
"Get out."  
  
"Fine. It makes sense that you'd envy someone as wonderful as Lockhart."  
  
"I'm perfectly fine with not being an inept prat, thanks."  
  
"Well, I'm afraid I must depart."  
  
"Oh, how terrible. I'll try not to be sad," Severus said sarcastically, while pushing Lucius out of the room.  
  
Sighing, he picked up his bottle of hair grease. "Oh well, more for me then."  
  
~Fin~  
  
Meow...I mean, review. That is, if you want to. 


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